One Of My Trades Is Not Modeling

Have you always wondered how to look natural and beautiful in photos? Are you looking for tips for looking effortlessly flawless in every picture?

Boy, is this not the post for you.

However, if you would like to see some brilliant examples of what NOT to do and laugh at me, buckle up buttercup, because you’re in for a real treat.

Once upon a time, my husband I went on a trip to Punta Cana (highly recommended vacation destination, by the way! Let me know if you want details on that). While on this fantastic trip, we went scuba diving. A photographer came on the dive to take pictures of everyone underwater.

Just your basic proof of scuba picture. Thanks, amigo!

After our dive, we had lunch on the most beautiful beach. The photographer was strolling around taking photos, and asked if we wanted him to snap a shot of us. We said sure! It is important to note that this conversation was in Spanish, and my Spanish is limited to directions to the train and there are lots of books in the library type conversations.

So the photographer takes a picture of us on the beach:

Great! Here we are on the beach! Gracias por el photo! Adios!

But. The photographer had different ideas. He enthusiastically insisted that we needed more photos.  And rather than try to explain in rudimentary Spanish and hand gestures that we really only wanted one picture, we decided to just pose for his pictures quick and then move on. Let’s take a jumping one! Alrighty then!

Ohp. Apparently what we heard was “Let’s take one where it looks like you’re pooping on the beach!” Let’s try that again.

Errr… Well, that’s different, but not necessarily better. Maybe if we try from another angle.

Much better. Now it looks like you’re pooping directly into the ocean. One more time.

It’s a miracle! We’re airborne! White kids (don’t) got hops. Please let us be done now.

At this point, I really tried to communicate that we had plenty of pictures and we were ready for him to move on. But he just wanted to get one more shot! He told us to lay down on our stomachs on the beach. I already knew this was going to be terrible. And then. Oh mercy, and then. He said. “Encima!” And I said “Huh?” And he said, “Encima!” And I said “What???” And Cary said, “I think he wants you to lay on top of me.” And I laughed and said “HA! Like this??” And in my split second of laughing at this ridiculous request, the photographer snapped what are absolutely the most horrifying pictures of me to ever be taken.

 Please focus on the progression of Cary’s face. From “What is happening here?” to  “I don’t think I like this….” to  “I am being violated.”

I have so many questions for this photographer. Why did he choose this pose? Why did he even take these photos of us? It should be have been obvious from the beginning that this was not going to turn out well. And WHY did he send all of these photos to me? Did he want to hurt my feelings?

I look like a whale that has breached herself onto a very sad and unfortunate Cary, who is extremely displeased to find himself in such a situation.

You can feel his eyes behind the sunglasses, begging for someone to save him.

At this point I jumped up and said “No mas! No mas!!!” And the photographer finally left.

And now we have these precious snapshots to forever remind me that I am a pasty white weirdo who should vacation indoors, with plenty of clothing on. And that my future does involve modeling. Cary, however, may have a real shot at breaking into the market for laxative package models. He’s got the expression down pat, and I can always remind him of the time I mounted him on a beach to get him into character.